My Words. Your Eyes. Our Moment.

I have a lot to say to a lot of different people and groups. Some of these issues I can’t bring myself to publicly address right now. Maybe ever.

Honestly, for the last seven or eight years, this anniversary has come and gone without much notice from me. But I woke up early this morning, took a short walk with the dog, sat down and ate some cereal, and then, as I did my routine check on facebook, I saw someone’s “On this day ten years ago” story. And then another. And another. Everyone remembers that day. There’s a vivid footprint in each of our minds. Many of us were only children. How could we have faced it? How could we have possibly understood that the world as we knew it would change right then?

I’ve told my story from what I remembered on that day. But every time, as the words came out of my mouth, it seemed so insignificant. I didn’t know anyone who was killed or injured on that day. I had yet to experience that feeling of loss for myself. When I did, years later, a series of days came to pass often replay moment-by-moment in my mind. Coming to understand loss changed a lot of things for me. And that single tragedy when I lost my friend is still changing my mind about things today. Making me think more. Understand more. Empathize more.

But, still, how can I face it? It’s like waking up in the middle of the night to two thousand nine hundred and seventy seven screams and nineteen maniacal laughs, followed by the devastated cries of countless children, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, friends, and other loved ones; these cries also accompanied by still more horrifying laughter. In confusion and fear, I look outside of my window and see nothing strange. I see my neighbors also looking out their windows, searching for the fire and explosion, blood and chaos. We stand there at our windows knowing that at any moment we will see the owners of the laughing voices rounding the street corner and sending our homes up in flames.

I’m an adult and this morning I feel like a child realizing things for the first time. And with those realizations come the realization that there is still more I don’t know, and thus more I have to try to understand. The chain of events that started with the September 11 attacks is a dark road. That day brought out the best in some and the worst in many.

It’s so crazy to sit here and think about how I’ve seen so many things happen around the world and just accept these tensions as a fact of the way things are in the world. It’s hard for me to tie up all of these facts of life that are still going on today and realize that ALL of this a result of that one day when I was a child. Like, I knew that this was so, but grasping the enormity of it all together is just so crazy.

• So many people that I know have spent years living in places I had never even heard of before September 11, 2001 - Afghanistan and Iraq. It’s become a fact of life that some of my family members or school friends would join the military and go off to these places, sometimes for years.
• The unmistakable racial profiling and suspicion directed toward anyone appearing to come from the Middle East or of the Islamic religion. It’s become a fact of life that fear is an involuntary reflex in MANY Americans when faced with a person who fits these broad descriptions.
• That sad and scary feeling I get when I think about Guantanamo Bay. It’s become a fact of life that such great anger has created corrupt military and government members and so many people excuse it. This isn’t just at some prison somewhere, people. This anger is everywhere and manifests in situations that have nothing to do with the attacks of September 11. There is SO MUCH anger and confusion. Try to get a grasp on that. THIS is the ensued chaos. We’re still in it.
• The heightened security measures in airports, here AND abroad. This the most clear result to many. I definitely remember being able to see people off and meet them right there at the gate. I remember carrying toothpaste and a full-size bottle of shampoo in my carry-on. It’s become a fact of life that we are subject to random pat-downs, several security checks, and being parted with a small jar of hummus in our carry-on.
• What about the reality that America bleeds? Think about the originally intended targets for those four airplanes. United Airlines Flight 93, which crashed in Pennsylvania, was on its way to the US Capitol building. During the planning stages, they had discussed possibly hitting the White House but considered it to be too difficult a target. As for American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175, which crashed in the WTC towers, and American Airlines Flight 77 which crashed into the Pentagon, their originally planned targets were nuclear installations. Wrap your head around that. But they decided against that, fearing things could “get out of control”. It’s become a fact of life that there are weaknesses to be found in this great country. The level of destruction is left up to those who find the weakness.

So much has evolved from all these events and just become our lives. I’d hate to get too much more long-winded about that.

There are some people I’ve never thought to thank. One group I want to address right now: Canada. I want to thank the Canadian people for their kindness, hospitality and participation in Operation Yellow Ribbon. I know it had to be weird and maybe scary and definitely a HUGE inconvenience to have all of those Americans just dropped down around your country with nowhere to go.

That’s something else that really struck me this morning. How many people were absolutely STRANDED around the country and around the world for days! TENS OF THOUSANDS. How scary would that be?

I wanted to drop one thing that I learned about today that I can’t believe I have literally never EVER heard ANYTHING about. EVER. I just can’t believe it. The 1993 World Trade Center bombing. I was not quite four years old and it was just a few days before my little brother was born. 9/11 happened and seriously NO ONE TOLD ME THIS. I’ve never heard of it. How the hell does that happen?! Anyway, I figured if I didn’t know there have to be more people that don’t know, so look it up. It kind of blew my mind knowing that this happened and I didn’t know until NOW.

I may have to edit this post later because I know that it’s incomplete, but my mind has deviated so much so many times that I’ve begun to lose my train of thought. I feel that it’s appropriate to leave you with my story:

Ten years ago this morning, I was twelve years old and in the seventh grade. I left my Scholar’s Bowl class and went to my locker to change out my books. I had just stepped in to the BMS locker area when one of my classmates, who is recently deceased, quickly walked up to me and said “Hey, the World Trade Center got bombed and we’re gonna be watching tv all day!” and then she floated on telling others in the same fashion. I remember this moment vividly. I remember not knowing AT ALL what to say. I had know idea what the World Trade Center was but I was sure that ANYTHING getting bomb wasn’t something to be happy about. If we were going to be watching tv, it wouldn’t be a relief to get out of schoolwork, it would be sad and probably a little scary. Well we did not, in fact, watch tv all day. Some of my teachers pretty much acted like we shouldn’t let this affect our day. But I remember going to P.E. class and our teacher sat down with us to explain the situation and answer our questions. She knew that we were kids and we didn’t know what was going on, but we were quickly growing into adults and we deserve to learn what was happening. She knew it would change everything in our world so we should be ready or at least able to understand why.

That’s all I really remember from that day. I don’t remember any of the following days in relation to the 9/11 events. But I do know that I have never heard, said, read, and written any date more than “September 11” or “9/11”. And I do know that I’ll probably never forget this day, when the gravity of those events hit so deeply in my emotions and I cried.